Like a Seed: She's Come Undone

by Kayce Stevens Hughlett

“For a seed to achieve its greatest expression, it must come completely undone. The shell cracks, its insides come out and everything changes. To someone who doesn’t understand growth, it would look like complete destruction.” Cynthia Occe

The morning comes too early. I go back to bed after using the bathroom and my brain starts buzzing. I want to blame it on the birds or the heat, but neither one is present at this hour. So, I get up at 4:00 a.m. and start to work. I don’t meditate or even journal for ten minutes. I curl up on my daybed with my small laptop and start to clear out my inbox. I avoid chasing rabbit trails; try not to popover to Twitter or Facebook for every follow. I write to book bloggers and reviewers and get ready for Blue’s launch day. A bocce ball rests in the pit of my stomach. What am I really launching? My book? Myself? I feel like the seed and I am cracking.

It takes a lot to get my mind to stop whirring these days. Time with Violet my granddaughter helps. I’m able to stay present with her, because she’s such a bundle of joyous love. Yoga is okay, but getting there has been a struggle. Once I’m on the mat, the whirring usually abates for a while.  I could use a session with my coach, but she’ll tell me to write things down and it’s overwhelming how many things clamor to be on my list.

My sense of overwhelm is low-grade. It’s hard to recognize by others, or me. But I feel it… like the seed slowly cracking or the heat rising in the morning sky. I’m in the process of switching from writer to author and my internal critic flails her fists inside my chest and screams: Run, Fool, Run!

Awareness dawns. I’m scared. What if no one buys Blue? What if everyone hates it? What if this is all a big fat waste of time?

It’s two months to release day. I can’t do this anxious thing for two more months, but trying to make it go away only makes it worse. What if I surrender? What if I simply tell myself I’m anxious and that’s okay and quit trying to fix anything?

Of course, I’m anxious. This is big stuff. I am the seed and I am disintegrating, growing in ways I can’t even begin to imagine. I’ve been here before. I’m scared. What if I quit trying to fix anything, take one small step at a time, and let myself be? What if I simply sink into the soil and wait? I guess we’ll see. 

Live it to Give it invitation: Is there an area of your life that you keep trying to fix? What if today you stopped for a few moments, took one step at a time, and let yourself be? What if you allowed yourself to sink into now and waited without expectation of what's to come? 

Give it a try. Set a timer for 10 minutes or more and simply be.  

Oh... and while you're at it, I invite you to check out my soon-to-be-released novel, Blue! Unless, of course, I've totally freaked out and begged my publisher to pull it off the shelves ;)