Instruments of Life

Funny how my last post was about wide open space written early on Friday morning and yet here I sit and it is Monday already. My weekend was filled with some wonderful time of solitude along with soccer games, gardening, deck time with my husband and the amazing experience of participating in and witnessing the 2007 commencement ceremonies at my alma mater, Mars Hill Graduate School as well as spending special time with former classmates.

Today I have the privilege of working with another friend as we start the process of transitioning Soltura to the Pacific Northwest. I awoke this morning as she tiptoed into my room trying to catch a glimpse of the bald eagle that was flying overhead. Ah, what a life!

All of these things: watching new counselors and pastors enter the world, preparing a place of personal and family healing in an idyllic setting and especially daily living, bring me back to the prayer shared at graduation:

Lord, make us insturments of your peace.
Where there is hatred, let us sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is discord, union;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
where there is sadness, joy.
Grant that we may not so much seek
to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned; and
it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

--St. Francis of Assisi

Blessings to you this day.

photo by bill hughlett

Wide Open Space

“Somehow we manage it: to like our friends, to tolerate not only their little ways but their huge neuroses, their monumental oddness: “Oh well,” we smile, “it’s one of her funny days.” -- Fleur Adcock

The past couple of days have felt like “funny days” for me. Do you ever find yourself with so much wide-open space that you don’t know what to do? I have been known to find myself with entirely too much to do that I become paralyzed. But, how ironic is the notion that not having anything scheduled can be as much of a distraction as having too much? When I have a full schedule, I crave free time and now that I have days wide open before me, I crave a schedule. Julia Cameron says that artists actually need structure and many times must devise it for themselves by creating schedules in “lives that are too wide open to be productive.”

So, this morning I have taken Julia’s advice and following my morning pages I have attempted to bring some thoughts together, but I keep getting stuck. “Friends” has been a topic that continues to muddle around in my head. I love my friends. I miss my friends. And now I allow myself to be distracted about the absence of their presence. Silly girl.

I love the idea of treating alone time not as a space of loneliness but as a gift of solitude. I can relish the quiet. Choose my own music. Dance throughout the house if I like. For I have been given the gift of time. I get to decide what to do with it. What a luxury! So, why can I not settle in to that for now?

Still feeling a little silly and somewhat distracted, I have at least added a bit of structure to my day by making an entry here. It will be interesting to see how the rest of the day unfolds. (I wonder if this falls into the category of ‘little ways’ or ‘monumental oddness.’) Oh well.

Call Me Mom

Sunday was one of those magical days. I have decided to choose it as my Mother’s Day this year since that day has proven to be a bit tricky for me. Three years ago my mother died on Mother’s Day after a long battle with Alzheimer’s. It somehow seemed very fitting and appropriate for it was her time to go. She had endured a long battle with the big A and thankfully she went peacefully in her sleep before the rest of her body deteriorated slowly and painfully.

Two years ago my son (at almost 16) picked Mother’s Day (MD) weekend to disappear from our home. We did not hear from him for several days and it was an agonizing time. Last year while attending a dear friend’s memorial service in Prescott, AZ, we got the call that again MD had been marred. Our son had been arrested and was being held in the county jail. So, you see, it seems like a good idea for me to designate my own Mother’s Day. In fact, it helps to do it this way so fate cannot spoil a day that does not yet exist if it is not named until after it has already happened. So I choose yesterday.

It was a glorious sunny day which has been rare here this year. I delighted in spending some time snuggled up in bed with my books and pen and paper. The afternoon included watching my daughter play soccer—one of my absolute favorite things.

After the game we picked up our boy and had a wonderful lunch as a family—something we have not done since he moved out of the house in early January. He looked good and healthy and actually seemed glad to be with us. We went to a Mexican restaurant where the service was slow, the food was mediocre, but the conversation flowed like fresh water. My favorite part, of course, was a bit of laughter and watching J’s million dollar smile spread across his face.

I loved being with my whole family. They are beautiful, amazing and definitely individual people. After lunch, we dropped J off, took M to a friend’s house and came home for the afternoon. I then experienced the icing on the cake for a Sunday. I curled up like a cat, purred in the sunshine and took the Sabbath seriously with a dead-to-the-world, good old-fashioned nap. Ahhh. What could be better?

So, I declare yesterday my Mother’s Day. I’m not sure I could ask for much more. Today I share my anniversary of 20 years with a wonderful man, my children are safe and healthy, I feel rested and at peace, there are flowers blooming outside and fresh tulips in my kitchen and yesterday God shined his light on me. Call me Crazy. Call me Simple. Or, how about this?—Call me Mom.

moving toward myself

moving toward myself
embrace the face before me
pink-toned skin of newborn babe
diamond floating in the sky
fearless woman; tender child
eyes that shine with tears and light
lips of ruby red forming
words of new delight
feathered wings steer this flight of
fiercely tender paradox
moving toward myself

I found this tucked away in my list of posts never published. Somehow it feels right for this Sunday morning. (It was written March 20, 2007).

Let it Blossom

“How can you follow the course of your life if you do not let it flow?” Lao-Tzu


Everywhere I look, Spring is bursting forth with life and new birth. Blossoms, babies, puppies and green grass. And, the question, “What is blossoming in me?” keeps showing up. It feels like the rest of my life is waiting to blossom, but the “live in the moment” side of me says, “Wait, don’t get ahead of yourself. What about today?” Nevertheless, I am at a bit of a crossroads. Decisions need to be made surrounding my career path and I desperately want to follow what is my calling. Fortunately, the two are closely interwoven.

How will I step out? How will I bring me, first, to myself, and then, how will I bring myself to the world? For there is only one Me. Lovely, kind, and free. Fiercely tender. Funny. Smart. Quick and contemplative. Bold and shy. A paradoxical being. I am a woman ready to spring forth into blossoms—maybe one at a time or maybe a whole bed of crocus bursting at once.

There is a vitality, a life-force, an energy,
a quickening that is translated
through you into action.

And because there is only one of you
in all of time this expression is unique.
and if you block it, it will never exist through any other
medium and be lost.

The world will not have it.
It is not your business to determine how good it is
nor how it compares with other expressions.

It is your business to
keep it yours clearly and directly,
to keep the channel open;
whether you choose to take an art class,
keep a journal, record your dreams,
dance your story or live each day from
your own creative source.
Above, all else, keep the channel open.

--Martha Graham