a letter to my sisters--

My heart is so full this morning--joy, sorrow, peace & heartache--Friends--I have many and for many my heart grieves and for others it rejoices. Nancy, my dear friend--thankful for me and I for her. Mary--I want to embrace you and hug you and be with you. Laura--where are you? Christine--I rejoice with you. Joyce--do not feel guilty for Josh's success. Dehnke--oh how I love that girl and Corky has risen to the occasion--more bravery than she ever lets on--beautiful and solid, filled with grace. Sandi--I love you. Remember the joy of washing the fire truck and wearing silly yellow shoes. Life is good. I love you and miss you.

My heart is filled with joy. Joy that I am not in charge. The Lord has filled the empty place in my soul. My friends, my sisters are daily reminders. Dwell not on the days of sorrow but on those that brought peace and brightness. I am Me and Me is a shining star!!

Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil. Thy rod and thy staff will comfort me and they will comfort Jonathon. Accept--don't expect. It is his path and I, the Lord, will comfort him. His heart is closed now but there will come a day when it will reveal beautiful glory--more spectacular than any could imagine. I am with him. I am walking the path. He carries his truth and his light with him even though it is under a bushel right now.

The beautiful boy is there. Rob--beautiful boy, caring for his horse--loving, caring, beautiful and beaming. Josh is shining, too. The others are a little rusty. The rain has fallen on their armor....I need to read the book again. I love you all.

May peace be with each of you today.
Still--
lovely, kind and FREE

My Hero

How could one so young as you earn the title of hero to one as old as I? You have been wise and content from the moment you were born. Did I have a part in this creation? Have I done a good job? Maybe, but mostly you have become and continue to become the young woman God created you to be. There is such beauty both inside and out—you are lovely, you are kind and you are carefree.

Your youth has given you a position of holding onto yourself. The messages haven’t gotten so mixed up yet. I pray that they won’t for you. The ‘holding onto yourself’ is a confidence that has served you well and will be so critical in the years to come—possible turbulent ones.

Your sense of humor draws others to you, helps you laugh at yourself and also hides some of the shyness that is inside. Hang onto the fun-loving side. It will keep you young and help you grow and mature all at the same time.

Your strength in your body and athletic ability is amazing to behold. It is a strength you naturally possess and one that has never come easy for me. I admire it and am also in awe of it.

To be shy is to hold a bit of mystery both from the world and from yourself. The shyness you have has not debilitated you as it did me throughout my childhood. I pray that your shyness is not associated with shame or harm in any way.

You are talented in so many ways. You are smart, creative, and brilliant. I never cease to be amazed at your ability to fully use both sides of your brain so well. You have a loving and kind heart that shines through the darkness. There is a bravery and tenderness that is so beautiful. You have seen difficult situations, had unkindness placed upon you unfairly and yet you continue to love.

You are loving and lovely. You do not hold grudges although you speak when you have been hurt and do not stuff things down inside. You speak of the harm even when it is difficult and in that speaking you are able to let go.

Passion. There is a passion for life that seems unquenchable. It is not anxious or frantic but truly passionate—doing your best whether you are playing soccer, writing a report, analyzing a poem or having a jammy day. You do it all with a certain passion and zest. Hold onto that. It is the stuff of life. It is who you were created to be.

Our relationship has been a close one. I pray that I have given you what you need. I am sorry for the times I have been cold or critical—when I have harmed you to protect myself. I have shielded my own fear. I believe we have grown together. You have given me something to aspire to—in the words of Jack Nicholson, “you make me want to be a better person.”

I am afraid of losing you and I don’t want that fear to get in the way of our relationship. I do not expect you to fill me up or to live my dreams or my life through you. I believe we compliment each other and move each other forward rather than holding each other back. I hope that we will continue to do that.

I don’t want to place you on a pedestal and set such high expectations that cannot be met or that put too much pressure on you. You are an incredible role model and I cherish each moment we spend together.

You are not perfect and neither am I. We should not expect perfection from each other. Forgiveness and trust are wonderful things to nurture. Expecting things to always be perfect or that they will be the same is not the way to go. Let us embrace change and growth. Seeing where we have come from will set a beautiful path for where we are going. (The groundwork has already been laid.)

Remember the beauty. Love each other. Know and be known. Share. Be honest. Trust in God. You are my hero and I love you.

Beautiful Boy

Jonathon…beautiful boy, laughing boy, maddening boy, independent boy. Child I have no control over. Child who taught me I am powerless over my life without God—my Higher Power.

Child that drove me to my knees, that sent me onto my face, prone, like Moses crying out to God.

Child that I am so thankful for for giving me the miracle of relationship with God.

Our mother-son relationship has at times been a turbulent one. To be able to rejoice and have calm in the midst of the storm only comes from God.

Jonathon’s strength and stubbornness showed me where I was weak in my spiritual relationship with God. Showed me where I was trying to fix things myself without God. Showed me my pride and arrogance as I thought I could raise this child (or do anything else) on my own.

I also learned where I am strong, interdependent with God and compassionate. Our relationship showed me that I have a heart for helping others, the courage to admit defeat in my own weakness and the desire to serve God at the risk of my own comfort—whatever that may look like.

Our relationship is a powerful and heartbreaking one. It is also filled with great Hope. It is not a path I would have chosen on my own. However, ours is a wonderful connection that I would not trade for anything in this world.

photos by bill hughlett